Not Too Bad After All
This post is so messy, unoutlined, but here it goes..
01/01/19
2:41am
I already shed my first tears of this year. Reminiscing how the past year has transpired. Before, I was an open book. I tell almost everything to my friends, and I can't let an important moment in my life pass without me telling them. When I have a problem, I really share it and cry to them. But now, the most open that I can get is through this blogpost. It's crazy, how I can survive by just keeping my thoughts to myself. When I have literally just God to share to. I became unnecessarily distant to share things to my friends, and the closest people I used to trust, due to unfortunate circumstances, I can't share my grudges unto any longer. That's why the past year had been the most hard for me. Hell i smiled and laughed a lot but i kept a lot of my own fair share of unhappiness to myself too.
It's crazy, how these unfortunate circumstances started in Feb, then it went downhill from there. I have to accept an unbearable truth, at the expense of my relationship with a person who was important to me, at the expense of my favorite personsss' trust and confidence to me. When that event transpired, I think I lost everything (ok i hate this part bc i think im just pushing ur curiosity to the edge but im sorry). Let's just say that the consequences of that event led to irreparable damage, cannot be undone, cannot be solved, even how many times you try. I had to carry all the burden to myself, all because I lost the people I can share it with. I had to carry all the burden and can still manage to throw a smile or a laugh, even at most important events of my life. I had to push my anxiety at the back of my mind because I was then graduating, then I flunked my entrance exam to the only university I wished to be admitted, then I had to make last minute plans that will dictate my future. My worst year in a nutshell that I even came to the point that I searched many prayer request sites, just so I can request for a prayer for me.
Still, even if it's the worst, it has revealed how much strength the universe is willing to give to me. That event revealed to me my limits. Flunking the entrance exam revealed to me how many people are willing to go extra lengths to help me. And most importantly, changing my plans revealed to me how redirection is a good direction to be. I learn to gather strength from the best lover I have, God. Srsly. I talk to no one but Him. As I said, I seldom share my problems to someone. All because I think it's Him or nothing. I learn to gather strength from the only person who can understand me, me. I carried the weight on my shoulders. I came through. I learn to gather strength by redirecting my attention to other things. I appreciate movies more. I appreciate anime more. I appreciate music more. 2018 gave me the album of my life. The album that spoke to my soul, touched my heart that I will risk my life for it. So maybe 2018 isn't bad after all. Because it revealed to me a lot of things- who were willing to stay for me, where can I get my strength from, and most importantly, how important it is to love yourself.
There's one song I like and it said "I'm the one I should love in this world" and it hasn't left my mind ever since. It's true, because sometimes we beg for a person to love, when we should be loving ourselves first. Not loving yourself can hinder you to go to greater heights and seek opportunities vital to your growth. I'm proud to say, this state of Gieline now, this is the state Gieline has ever loved herself. Not because she was forced to, not because she was obliged to. It just happened. I became a completely different person. I swear. The Gieline who entered 2018 is waaaaaaaaaaay too different from the one exiting it. But I guess that's life. So here's to all my people who can't accept my change, I know a lot of who have been weirded out by this sudden change of heart, but I'll just say take it or leave it. I just went through one hell of a rollercoaster 2018. And I think I wouldn't mind minor setbacks anymore.
So that's it. A very disorganized post. But I liked it. Thank you for your time if you reached this point of the post. Thank you for your interest. God bless you. Pray for me? Yes thank youu.
01/01/19
2:41am
I already shed my first tears of this year. Reminiscing how the past year has transpired. Before, I was an open book. I tell almost everything to my friends, and I can't let an important moment in my life pass without me telling them. When I have a problem, I really share it and cry to them. But now, the most open that I can get is through this blogpost. It's crazy, how I can survive by just keeping my thoughts to myself. When I have literally just God to share to. I became unnecessarily distant to share things to my friends, and the closest people I used to trust, due to unfortunate circumstances, I can't share my grudges unto any longer. That's why the past year had been the most hard for me. Hell i smiled and laughed a lot but i kept a lot of my own fair share of unhappiness to myself too.
It's crazy, how these unfortunate circumstances started in Feb, then it went downhill from there. I have to accept an unbearable truth, at the expense of my relationship with a person who was important to me, at the expense of my favorite personsss' trust and confidence to me. When that event transpired, I think I lost everything (ok i hate this part bc i think im just pushing ur curiosity to the edge but im sorry). Let's just say that the consequences of that event led to irreparable damage, cannot be undone, cannot be solved, even how many times you try. I had to carry all the burden to myself, all because I lost the people I can share it with. I had to carry all the burden and can still manage to throw a smile or a laugh, even at most important events of my life. I had to push my anxiety at the back of my mind because I was then graduating, then I flunked my entrance exam to the only university I wished to be admitted, then I had to make last minute plans that will dictate my future. My worst year in a nutshell that I even came to the point that I searched many prayer request sites, just so I can request for a prayer for me.
Still, even if it's the worst, it has revealed how much strength the universe is willing to give to me. That event revealed to me my limits. Flunking the entrance exam revealed to me how many people are willing to go extra lengths to help me. And most importantly, changing my plans revealed to me how redirection is a good direction to be. I learn to gather strength from the best lover I have, God. Srsly. I talk to no one but Him. As I said, I seldom share my problems to someone. All because I think it's Him or nothing. I learn to gather strength from the only person who can understand me, me. I carried the weight on my shoulders. I came through. I learn to gather strength by redirecting my attention to other things. I appreciate movies more. I appreciate anime more. I appreciate music more. 2018 gave me the album of my life. The album that spoke to my soul, touched my heart that I will risk my life for it. So maybe 2018 isn't bad after all. Because it revealed to me a lot of things- who were willing to stay for me, where can I get my strength from, and most importantly, how important it is to love yourself.
There's one song I like and it said "I'm the one I should love in this world" and it hasn't left my mind ever since. It's true, because sometimes we beg for a person to love, when we should be loving ourselves first. Not loving yourself can hinder you to go to greater heights and seek opportunities vital to your growth. I'm proud to say, this state of Gieline now, this is the state Gieline has ever loved herself. Not because she was forced to, not because she was obliged to. It just happened. I became a completely different person. I swear. The Gieline who entered 2018 is waaaaaaaaaaay too different from the one exiting it. But I guess that's life. So here's to all my people who can't accept my change, I know a lot of who have been weirded out by this sudden change of heart, but I'll just say take it or leave it. I just went through one hell of a rollercoaster 2018. And I think I wouldn't mind minor setbacks anymore.
So that's it. A very disorganized post. But I liked it. Thank you for your time if you reached this point of the post. Thank you for your interest. God bless you. Pray for me? Yes thank youu.
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