Onwards, We Go
1:12am
January 2, 2019
Hi. I'm back again for my annual wrap-up-essay-about-how-the-year-fcked-me-up blog post. I've been itching to write this for a couple of days already but the aktibidades in the household won't let me. Anyway, here it goes.
Last year, after the fireworks went off, I immediately shed a tear or more while pondering how the past year went by. 2019 became hellish af. So for a change, this year, I was all smiles, no matter how hard it can be, in the hopes that my 2020 will be all smiles, too.
The beginning of 2019 was nothing but amazing. I can definitely say it was the glorious days of me taking care of myself by listening to my wants & needs and putting them first above anything else. I got to try out new things. I joined a pageant and won (??!!), took my first ever qualifying exam and passed in one take, made it to the 2nd sem as a dean's lister (??!!!!!) and got to be with my Dad again back in June. I got breakdowns pa rin. When I thought I didn't pass the quali, that tore me up. Whenever I couldn't get a damn lesson in Intermediate Accounting, I was always damn willing to throw hands to my professor. I would listen to bts songs (bc they're mainly about following ur passion and not what others dictate for u,,, not a plug lol) countless times and I would cry to my siblings, at separate occassions, and tell them I can't do it anymore. And I remember, everyone was crazy about Mobile Legends. Meanwhile, I was crazy for stan twt (if u know, u know). I'd check my app tracker and 90% of my phone usage is twitter. Just how crazy I got with the bird app. It made my year because of how fcking funny the people there are and how awesome it is to have friends online.
Then come August, I could have sworn I loathed my damn course more than ever. I'd read stocks, bonds, 9% interest and a bunch of other shit and not get a single thing. I should be the one making sense out of it but somehow, I can't. I really really really really wanted to quit. I was so damn tired that I didn't want to go to school anymore, and even if I did, I'd go without eating breakfast and during lunch, I'd take a bite and call it a day. I remember at one point, I told my friend I don't wanna take a quiz and she told me, non-verbatim "pumasok ka lang. just be here" and so I did. It was a dark time for me. At that point, i wanted to be left alone, probably buy a piano keyboard, leave the town and just make some cool ass music. That thing my friend told me stuck with me for the rest of the year. I did came to school that day, ended up taking the quiz with having 0 knowledge and giving 0 fucks, but I did came through. I came. It was over. I conquered. And then I did that. Every. Single. Day. For the rest of the year. I decided if I wanted to survive, taking a step is the way to go, even how heavy my foot can be. There was not a day that I won't tell my friends "guys, im gonna lose my scholarship" and they will always be there to cheer my dramatic ass. This was also the time I got into dating again (nasabay ko pa talaga yun no? haha) that got me put on my clown costume lol dasfvssghf. Also lost track on my spiritual life and struggling to find my way back. ;( The latter part of the sem, I get to score good on some quizzes but failed some again. Def one hell of a ride.
My 2020 salubong was one of the episodes. I was genuinely unhappy (but aren't we all). I feel tired, lost and uncontented (but again, aren't we all). Tired, in the sense that just thinking about what I have to go through again for 2020 (mainly in academics) makes me wanna sleep indefinitely. Lost, because of my lack of will and sense of direction. And uncontented, because I keep looking for things that I obviously couldn't have. The nearing hours before midnight was when it really hit me that I am empty like that. But that was my salubong. Writing this post made me feel SOOOOOO MUCH better. I am thankful. I'm so grateful for this "new year" thing that we celebrate even if it is just a social construct. I'm thankful that I get to have the chance to start anew, with a fresh clean slate, a chance to leave everything that pains me behind. I'm thankful I'm able to go through my hardships and be reminded of the most beautiful lessons I got throughout my life.
The best decision I made was to allow myself to mess it up. I told myself to be as chaotic as I can be, bc in 2020, we wont be doing that sht anymore haha. I allowed myself to break down 21 times on the halls of CEU, magbingi-bingihan every time my family makes fun of my incompetency & magtngang kawali also to the unnecessary pressure for me to graduate wt flying colors (i luv them tho dont bash 'em). This coming year, my mantra will be JUST DO IT. Very cliché and very nike haha but it is what works and will work. I'll be leaving my incompetency, katamaran and the painzz in 2019, where it belongs.
Lord, it has been very hard to put my hands together to talk to you and ask for help or even to say thanks, but everyday, you love me like I never hurt or disappoint You. Thank You for providing for me and my family.
To my friends who are constantly there for me to cheer me up and motivate me esp on acad tingz. To ETO NA, those random sendan ng pics habang nagrereview, luv that for us. To CEU PBB who's mostly just messed up as I am pero di nauubusan ng motivational words for me, i fucking love you all so damn much.
For the pressure of having to be exceptional, for the pain of having to question your value, for the itch for validation from other people, goodbye. 2019, thank you for opening my eyes.
2020, please, PLEASE be a good one. I'm willing to make you be but PLEASE oh pLEASE. To more fun moments, concerts, good music, to more self-love and unapologetically being myself, to a ptivate & happy life, to little and big victories, to accomplishing goals and making kim namjoon proud, onwards we go.
Shall we, 2020? 😊✨
January 2, 2019
Hi. I'm back again for my annual wrap-up-essay-about-how-the-year-fcked-me-up blog post. I've been itching to write this for a couple of days already but the aktibidades in the household won't let me. Anyway, here it goes.
Last year, after the fireworks went off, I immediately shed a tear or more while pondering how the past year went by. 2019 became hellish af. So for a change, this year, I was all smiles, no matter how hard it can be, in the hopes that my 2020 will be all smiles, too.
The beginning of 2019 was nothing but amazing. I can definitely say it was the glorious days of me taking care of myself by listening to my wants & needs and putting them first above anything else. I got to try out new things. I joined a pageant and won (??!!), took my first ever qualifying exam and passed in one take, made it to the 2nd sem as a dean's lister (??!!!!!) and got to be with my Dad again back in June. I got breakdowns pa rin. When I thought I didn't pass the quali, that tore me up. Whenever I couldn't get a damn lesson in Intermediate Accounting, I was always damn willing to throw hands to my professor. I would listen to bts songs (bc they're mainly about following ur passion and not what others dictate for u,,, not a plug lol) countless times and I would cry to my siblings, at separate occassions, and tell them I can't do it anymore. And I remember, everyone was crazy about Mobile Legends. Meanwhile, I was crazy for stan twt (if u know, u know). I'd check my app tracker and 90% of my phone usage is twitter. Just how crazy I got with the bird app. It made my year because of how fcking funny the people there are and how awesome it is to have friends online.
Then come August, I could have sworn I loathed my damn course more than ever. I'd read stocks, bonds, 9% interest and a bunch of other shit and not get a single thing. I should be the one making sense out of it but somehow, I can't. I really really really really wanted to quit. I was so damn tired that I didn't want to go to school anymore, and even if I did, I'd go without eating breakfast and during lunch, I'd take a bite and call it a day. I remember at one point, I told my friend I don't wanna take a quiz and she told me, non-verbatim "pumasok ka lang. just be here" and so I did. It was a dark time for me. At that point, i wanted to be left alone, probably buy a piano keyboard, leave the town and just make some cool ass music. That thing my friend told me stuck with me for the rest of the year. I did came to school that day, ended up taking the quiz with having 0 knowledge and giving 0 fucks, but I did came through. I came. It was over. I conquered. And then I did that. Every. Single. Day. For the rest of the year. I decided if I wanted to survive, taking a step is the way to go, even how heavy my foot can be. There was not a day that I won't tell my friends "guys, im gonna lose my scholarship" and they will always be there to cheer my dramatic ass. This was also the time I got into dating again (nasabay ko pa talaga yun no? haha) that got me put on my clown costume lol dasfvssghf. Also lost track on my spiritual life and struggling to find my way back. ;( The latter part of the sem, I get to score good on some quizzes but failed some again. Def one hell of a ride.
My 2020 salubong was one of the episodes. I was genuinely unhappy (but aren't we all). I feel tired, lost and uncontented (but again, aren't we all). Tired, in the sense that just thinking about what I have to go through again for 2020 (mainly in academics) makes me wanna sleep indefinitely. Lost, because of my lack of will and sense of direction. And uncontented, because I keep looking for things that I obviously couldn't have. The nearing hours before midnight was when it really hit me that I am empty like that. But that was my salubong. Writing this post made me feel SOOOOOO MUCH better. I am thankful. I'm so grateful for this "new year" thing that we celebrate even if it is just a social construct. I'm thankful that I get to have the chance to start anew, with a fresh clean slate, a chance to leave everything that pains me behind. I'm thankful I'm able to go through my hardships and be reminded of the most beautiful lessons I got throughout my life.
The best decision I made was to allow myself to mess it up. I told myself to be as chaotic as I can be, bc in 2020, we wont be doing that sht anymore haha. I allowed myself to break down 21 times on the halls of CEU, magbingi-bingihan every time my family makes fun of my incompetency & magtngang kawali also to the unnecessary pressure for me to graduate wt flying colors (i luv them tho dont bash 'em). This coming year, my mantra will be JUST DO IT. Very cliché and very nike haha but it is what works and will work. I'll be leaving my incompetency, katamaran and the painzz in 2019, where it belongs.
Lord, it has been very hard to put my hands together to talk to you and ask for help or even to say thanks, but everyday, you love me like I never hurt or disappoint You. Thank You for providing for me and my family.
To my friends who are constantly there for me to cheer me up and motivate me esp on acad tingz. To ETO NA, those random sendan ng pics habang nagrereview, luv that for us. To CEU PBB who's mostly just messed up as I am pero di nauubusan ng motivational words for me, i fucking love you all so damn much.
For the pressure of having to be exceptional, for the pain of having to question your value, for the itch for validation from other people, goodbye. 2019, thank you for opening my eyes.
2020, please, PLEASE be a good one. I'm willing to make you be but PLEASE oh pLEASE. To more fun moments, concerts, good music, to more self-love and unapologetically being myself, to a ptivate & happy life, to little and big victories, to accomplishing goals and making kim namjoon proud, onwards we go.
Shall we, 2020? 😊✨
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