I like orange now.

 Jan 8, 2022

6:42pm

 

'i am so busy. i am practicing

my new hobby of watching me

become someone else. there is

so much violence in reconstruction.

every minute is grisly, but i have

to participate. i am building

what i cannot break.'

 

― jennifer willoughby, beautiful zero: poems

 

 

For my birthday last 2020, my bestfriends played Two Truths and One Lie with me. My one lie is “orange is one of my favorite colors”. I hate the color. I think it’s…unnecessary. It’s hard to match with. If you want bright, yellow is there. If you want something complimentary with blue, then what is green for? The fruit orange? it would look better in black, or pink, just not orange (edit: i take this last sentence back). And no car, whatever model or make it is, looks good in orange. But for my recent birthday, I gladly updated them that I like orange now. I am now a proud owner of an orange bag that I use every chance I get. I was this *insert that hand emoji* close to buying an orange dress (ang tagal magsend ng prize ko sa palaro di ko tuloy nabili lol). And my cousin told me he’ll give me an orange bag since he thinks I “like the color”, too much than I should.

 

It may not be the most obvious fact but…I was busy becoming someone else (somebody who likes orange, can u believe?) in 2021.

 

While the world was falling apart around me, while others could have sworn 2021 is just another bad year for them, I find it fairly good. Especially now. First week of January, of course twitter people got ample time in their hands to open a discourse (like we always do. yes. we), rant, and reminisce how their 2019 had been one of their good years. Back in 2019, everybody loathed the year. Maybe the reason I love 2021 is that I don’t want to take it for granted. I don’t want to call it hell, look back and say “wow 2021 was awesome”. For short, I don’t want to be 2021-twitter to 2019. For shorter, I want to call it good while it’s still good because with how things are going, it’s about to get goddamn worse *cue nervous laugh*.  

 

Or maybe I just really love 2021. Just because haha. But..this is Gieline. I’m not a just because type of person lol. At least not with this.

 

Over the past years, I had been a verrryyyyyyyy anxious person. I wake up to be anxious. I am a walking anxiety. But 2021 allowed me to be patient and trusting in my waiting season. I spent half the year praying for something. But you see, past Gieline would have cried for that half a year. But 2021 Gieline, however, she’s one steadfast b*tch. My Ate Daniella will always ask, “how is your heart?” and I’ll respond “I’m still in my waiting season” with a smile. Is this real? Is this really happening? Gieline?? Smiling over stuff like this?? Well...i told you 2021 was a good one for me. J

 

I became a happy-go-lucky person. I learned how to sit back and step aside from the scene. I knew when to say no, how to say no, and most especially why to say no. I’ve been presented with situations wherein past Gieline would have thrown herself for it (hello r3 nfjpia rca, math club presidency, & several sir n*y delegations i rejected huehue). I’ve been in circumstances where I could’ve said “I’ll do it!” but instead, shut up and let the pabibo in me rest. I learned to delegate and how important it is to know how to. I was taught how to celebrate small wins and how your sanity will depend on it. I learned how to take everything as it comes and let it pass, with a smile. In that way, you suffer less. I learned how to take losses (2021 was full of them, hello debate and stupid publicity contest haha). I allowed myself to cry hysterically, even if it means crying through the phone while your professor is on the other end and he’ll ask you “are you crying?”, to which you’ll respond “no sir huhuh” hahahaha. I sooooo allowed myself to take breaks when my mind tells me to (hi to all east Asian films I have watched that will forever be in my heart and soul, served as my precious precious PRECIOUS break). I found out that I am capable of giving credit to myself and milked tf out of it, telling myself “you did good” at every single thing I do. I got the hang of putting my happiness first (2021 is the year of our coined term “S.Coups Time” and we embodied the heck out of that term for the whole year). I joined a lot of contests (hi to my first ever Halloween costume party and that poster thing which btw, I think was a cheap shot lmao) but only if I knew would make my heart satisfied. I journal-ed a lot (this makes me so happy you have no idea)!!! I found a church I resonate with and am happy to be in. I now know how to admit what I feel to people who matters to me. I allowed myself to be free. I allowed myself to become happy. Because I knew it was the only way I could feel alive bc if it were the opposite, am I really?

 

So it’s really not just because. It’s a lot of little things that accumulated to be a grand thing- freedom.

 

Before the year ended, while my sister and I were watching an interview of one of the coolest actors to grace the earth (SIMU LIU!! HI!!), he said something along the lines of “I realized I can’t be working on the version of success others have set for me”. While past-me would go crazy to be everything, it’s not entirely bad to be nothing. While it brings pride and joy to make others proud, there’s no shame in making yourself proud first. While it’s more admiring to be hopeful and colorful, there’s beauty in staying in the gray areas. While everyone is obsessed with hitting social constructs, it’s only proper to question “where’s the fun in that?” haha.  

 

2021 is when i built what i cannot break. 2022 and the succeeding years are when i prove it. :}