The season I grew wings
I have always wanted to have wings. The justification I use for sleeping on my stomach is that I'm preparing for the time I get my white, large, seraphim wings. If quirks were real, I think having wings are just the coolest (hi, hawks!).
It has been a rough couple of months. Our last semester of college entails integrated review for board exam subjects. It was bound to be rough. It was survival-of-the-fittest, EXCEPT that none of us were fit because of the staggering trisems coupled up with the pandemic learning.
While I was doing nightly devotions (when you're about to be devoured by a lion that is Accountancy, this is a neat trick to keep sane), I came upon this verse, Psalm 57: 1-3...
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful, because I come to you for safety.
In the shadow of your wings I find protection until the raging storms are over.
I call to God, the Most High, to God, who supplies my every need.
He will answer from heaven and save me; he will defeat my oppressors.
God will show me his constant love and faithfulness.
It got me thinking. Maybe I got wings. Maybe there are really powerful workings at my back. Or better, it's God's wings that are protecting me, lending me His' as He stands behind me.
Right then, I knew, I grew wings. I grew wings that are the most powerful because they're God's who stands behind me wherever, whenever.
I try not to sound poetic. I try not to make you think that I am only saying this because I received recognition. I try not to make you think that I am, let's just say, luring you to the ~Light side~. But this is nothing but the raw truth. I just wanted to be a testimony as to how God makes victors out of the people who are faithful to Him. I hope you have the time to hear me out.
Being an Accountancy student, our program has been known to be a shift-risk course. To make things worse for me, I don’t have the inborn skill for it. Math is not my strongest subject and when answering analytical problems, I will not be the first kid to raise my hands. In short, I am not exceptional in accounting. But what I lack with skill and talent, I make up for with hard work. What I lack with hard work, which most often I fall short of, I make up with my faith.
Around April this year, that's when the rough gets rougher. Our units seem to have doubled. We would go to class in the morning, take quizzes in the afternoon, or quizzes in the morning, then class in the afternoon. Even on Saturdays, we are sometimes asked to report to class or take quizzes. My whole schedule and routine were messed up (unfortunately did not see that coming). I didn't know what to do, where to get strength from, how to go on. I remember telling my sister, "I feel like I'm gonna go back to my burnt-out self in one snap", and after having just recovered from that phase of my life (2 years din yun ng buhay ko huhu), it filled me with extreme anxiety. I was flunking quizzes, I was zoning out in class, I was butchering my recitations, I was wrecking my physical state. It was extremely hard...and it was extremely sad.
I am a person who believes in myself, for at least an acceptable amount. But...I had to think realistically. To be honest, I didn't think I'd graduate as a BSA student. I figured I will shift some time or another or if not, I will not graduate on time. I put "Bachelor of Science in Accountancy" on my fb bio only to retract it the next minute due to fear that I cannot commit to the course and end up embarrassing myself. I did that about 3 times or so hahaha. But as a Christian, I have to think differently. I am equipped to think differently. Because things are, indeed, different. "He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion", I will say under my breath when I am plagued with doubt and worry. And He really did bring it to completion.
When I was in senior high, I had this twitter header that said "For I am nothing without God". A person who saw this came up to me and said it's undermining to oneself to think something like that. Back then, I did not argue. Back then, I didn't know better. But right now, I do. I hope I do. Because my entire college life had been a testimony of how I am nothing without God. As I've said, I never thought I would graduate on time, graduate as a BSA student, let alone graduate as a Cum Laude. I am now a living testimony of God turning someone average into something else. Through Him, I became one of the students who led the Sampaguita Interlude because I was blessed with a GWA that is one of the highest among all other students. On the off-chances, through Him, I was crowned Ms. Executive 2019 (still so bizarre lol). Through Him, I was once named the "Best Debater", someone who, through His supervision, led the Most Outstanding Organization of S.Y. 2020-2021, someone who became a finalist for the Search for Model Presidents, and later on, the Search for the Most Outstanding Students, someone who became an Outstanding Practicum Trainee,...someone who conquered Bachelor of Science in Accountancy.
Now, one of my core memories is getting to tell my dad through a phone call (he's an OFW) that her daughter is graduating with Latin honors. Spoiler alert: I did not get to tell him because I can't get the words out of my mouth without crying so I told my mom, "Ma, ikaw na" huhuhahahahaha! I didn't think I had the ability to make my dad, my lola, and my bestfriend cry in one day with such happy news but well... here we are :D. I wouldn't be able to achieve the recognition bestowed upon me if I only relied on my own capacity. With orgs we handle, with side rakets I try to take on, with the sanity I'm trying to keep, it's impossible. I'm only human. There were days when I'm barely a hu-. But...great is He who works in me. And for that, thank You. Thank You, Lord God. Thank You for being my constant.
Along with Him, thanks are due to a few more people.
To my SuperDad, you say you're not so "super" anymore but I am proof that you are and always have been. In fact, the word "super" has got nothing on you. You're...suppah!
To my SuperMom, I wish I have even half the strength that you have. But I know that's why you were given to me. Because half of my strength, even three-fourths, comes from you.
To Kuya, I remember maabutan mo kong umiiyak sa sala bc I hate Accountancy to my core and you would flex you have never experienced such with your course when I ask you. You are one of the best comforters in the world. That'll make you second to your pulang comforter.
To Giealine, thank you for always hearing me out and never shutting me down when I turn a simple kwentuhan into a rant session. You are figuratively and literally the half of me. I am whole because of you.
To my bestfriends Kapatid, Pepsi, Bro, Bulbs, and Prend, Eto Na, thank you for being so understanding of my shortcomings as a best friend. Thank you for being prayer warriors for me, for inspiring me, motivating me with words of inspiration that I still hold close to my heart to this day.
To my girlfriends, Meowz, Mon, Babes, CS, Cedyybae, Je-an, and Buge, a good sitcom always starts with a good set of college friends. You are making my dreams come true by making me feel like I star in a sitcom. Thank you for dragging me out of my boring, old, comfort zone.
To my Bro (second time around bc u deserve), you are one of my beck and calls. Can I say you're my... Bekah and Call? No? Okay. Thank you for believing in His workings on me, assuring me of it, and waiting with me for it. "No presh", forever & always.
To Lukey, I only like calls when it's with you. Whenever we talk, I feel like the-Ancient-One-smacking-Doctor-Strange's-astral-form-out-of-his-body feels but instead, it's you, smacking some sense into my head. If I could be 1% of the friend that you are, I know I'm doing one heaven of a job.
To Team Shalom, my spiritual support group. Ate Dan, thank you for keeping me grounded with God. And with my spiritual sisters, I could not imagine my life without our Saturday cellgroups. Wait...I could imagine. It is where I am crazy, hugging and rocking myself back and forth.
To my JPIA Family, especially F.Y. 2020-2021, thank you for making me who I am as a leader. You probably don't see and notice but I believe there has been immense growth with me (in that aspect) and I owe it all to you. Being hailed the "Most Outstanding Organization" without intending to do so (because no one knew it existed or it was even a thing) is still my biggest flex in college life. You, guys, are also my biggest mamimiss in college life.
And to BTS, my Bangtan Boys, hahaha. When I see people that are good at what they do, I think to myself, no they’re not talented. They’re diligent. And you were that. You have been seven of my biggest role models. You put in the work to the point that the hard thing is second nature to you. With that, I am inspired to do better for myself. Actually, I could go on and on and list a million more reasons why I want to thank you even if there's just a 0.00001% chance that you will read it but I'll save it for the next time still.
To the Father Almighty (twice because He deserves, even a 9999999...th), thank You for blessing me with these people. I've been blessed in the "father" area, that's for sure. Thank You for making me an olive tree, growing with You. Thank You for making a new wine out of me. Thank You for the strength to be able to carry on, the hope when the world was depleting me of it, the happiness when it was hard to get it out of me. Thank You for moving mountains for me and my family, doing what seems to be impossible in the eyes of mere mortals. Thank You for giving me white, large, seraphim wings. Thank You for making me fly high.
And thank you, yes, you, for reading through my afternoon word-vomit. This doesn't happen a lot. But you don't believe that, do you?
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