No.2

Last December 2, one of my favorite artists, RM, released an album. Out of all the amazing tracks incorporated in his roster, the one I resonated with the most is the track called "No.2" featuring Park Jiyoon.

그대여 더는 뒤돌아보지 마

Dear, don’t look back anymore

선명히 뒤섞인 기억 뒤에

Left behind these memories mixed up so vividly

이 남은 삶들은 덤처럼 남아

will be these remaining lives like extras

최선을 넌 다했을 뿐이야

All you did was just to do your best

.

So no

No lookin’ back, no

No lookin’ back, no

No lookin’ back

Don’t look back no more

.

No lookin’ back, no

No lookin’ back

최선을 넌 다했을 뿐야

All you did was just to do your best

    - No. 2 (with parkjiyoon), translations by doolset bangtan (https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/2022/12/05/no-2)

It has this melancholic, heavenly vocals that are sure to comfort anyone who's listening. Moreso, the song's message felt like the words I wanna say to myself, both to my younger self and present self.

Every annual wrap-up essay that I write, I try to look back, reminisce, and reflect about how the year went by. I look back to how hard the year was, what challenges I went through, and what I did to make it through. But this time, I don't feel like looking back *proceeds to look back anyways*. I've always said this to my sister and now on this blog, but I've always identified myself as someone who hates the past. I don't like it when I'm associated with what I did in my younger years and I take it to heart when people go extra lengths just to remind me of it. While I was building my character and personality during my youth (I can say this, right? I'm 23, after all) , I have done things that I am not proud of. Sure, they made me who I am today, but I wouldn't wish the trauma for anyone, even on my worst enemy. And just when I thought I have forgiven myself for them, I find myself beating...well, myself... for the mistakes of the past, over and over and over again. So when your favorite artist tells you that tomorrow, you might be a tiny bit wiser, and that's you, too, that these faults and mistakes are what you are, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of your life, and that you should not look back for you are only doing what was "best" at the given time, I chose to listen.

For this year's essay, I aim not to look back so much but to look and move forward- to move the opposite direction, for a change. This 2023, I have more freedom, more capabilities, more doors that I can open myself. I want to challenge myself to tick off more bucketlist items that I can. I remember, when I was in senior high (ayan, nag-lookback na nga), I would mope around when I think I flunked items on a test but my bestfriend and seatmate L.A. would say, "di na natin mababago yan. Dun tayo sa mababago pa natin", referring to the next exam we are about to take. Same goes with the years as they fly by. I wanna look 2023 straight in the eyes and say, "I can change you" lol. But for realsies, thank God for new years, clean slates, and fresh starts. For someone who hates the past, it's good to have a social construct marking when you should throw the past away.

Speaking of bucketlists, I am a very simple person (oh yes I am). There's no luxury items on my list, no car I desire to have, no $$$ figure I want to earn. But still, my list is not that simple to achieve, especially for someone like me. I think (or know!) I am someone who overplans but fail to meet them with actions. I could go on explaining the number of ideas in my head that never went to fruition but I would just be embarrassing myself. My sister shared a quote from Miss Swift to me and I took it as personal attack. It went somewhat along the lines of, "Don't spend all your time polishing the door knob for a door you're never going to open,". James Cameron shared the same idea (also shared by my sister) when he was asked how he's directing multiple movies all at once and exploring his hobbies while doing so. He said something like it's just a matter of doing it, not overthinking things and just getting the gear going. Thinking about it, time moves. Time passes. Time expires. But, do I do something with it? Can I say I have done something to make the time worthwhile? I am 23, and what can I share about being 23? [Note: This questioning part can bring so much unnecessary pressure. 23 is young, I know. But this is just how I motivate myself as an overplanner-but-not-a-doer type of person. The same may or may not work for you.] So now, as I look 𝚋̶𝚊̶𝚌̶𝚔̶ forward, I want to create a 2023 bucketlist, taken out from my ultimate bucketlist, to guide my year :DD

Presenting...

Gels' 2023 Bucketlist

(only sharing this here bc I think, no one reads this and u kno, for accountability naman. Para may mangyari huhuhu)

☐ Make my own pizza, all from scratch.

All, as in all!! From dough to planting tomatoes myself. Now, I am not a green thumb, nor do I have soil  and space to plant but I will find a way. I have read that tomatoes can take 2-3 months to come to harvest once you plant them which makes ticking this off my 2023 bucketlist possible. This idea was inspired when I watched an IG reel of someone making a pizza (which Mya dubbed as "cottagecore") and I wanted to have a go on it for myself. I plan to make dough, grow cherry tomatoes/ tomatoes, basil, obviously I am leaving the cheese to the grocery item (so technically, not all from scratch hello di naman ako si darna), and oven it myself. Good luck to me!!!

☐ Enter law school.

There are recent events that have transpired in our lives that became a "ground" for me to push this goal further. I am happy to have this opportunity or at least to have the privilege of considering this "feasible" for my bucketlist. But yeah, this year is hopefully God's year for me to take my first step towards this dream. So help me, God!!

☐ Fly a kite.

When I was in elementary, my friend, Theo (hi theo how are u huhu), and I were drawing kites. I told him I have never flown a kite before. He was v shocked so I thought to myself it must be a common thing to fly a kite for a kid and yet, here I stand. I have flown a kite but they never, u know, thrive in the sky hahaha. I just run around with it being..idk... 3 feet above the ground hahaha. It has always been my bucketlist to fly a kite high and I don't see any reason why 2023 should not be the year to finally do it. :DD

☐ Save up for #BTS2025. Hopefully in Korea.

Kung hindi pa halata ay imma say it again. I AM A BORAHAE BTCH THRU AND THRU. As some of you know, BTS are rendering their military service one by one and are due to reconvene on 2025. I know those tour dates are gonna roll out as soon as they do and I aim to save a lot so me, my sis, and my mom (who I all turned into armys, you are both welcome) can have an amazing experience and a good time. Tbh, I am still in denial with their hiatus and I haven't had the time to process that I won't be seeing them perform as seven for quite some time so I guess I'm gonna skip that whole part and just prepare for the time they're coming back!! hdhshds

☐ Open an online shop.

This is one of those door knobs I polish all the time but I don't have the guts of turning it to open. There's always a but, a hindrance, a reason for me not to continue but here's to finally doing it in this year of the Lord 2023!!! Tbh, while writing this, I don't even know what products I want to sell but yeah, I hope despite all the hurdles that may come, may I finally be courageous enough to just..."fuck it, imma open!!".

☐ Grow closer to God.

One random afternoon, I just had a vision of a future-me who grew less with my faith. After that vision (?), I said to myself "oh no, I am NOT gonna be that". More of a resolution, this is one of those that you have to work on routinely and you don't want x number of years to pass by without doing anything about it. That's why I decided to put this as a bucketlist as a constant reminder that I have to exert more effort to advance with my faith and to deviate from my vision where I am still in the same place as I am now...again, with my faith.

☐ Practice 20/20/20. 

Again, more of a resolution, I want to take 1 hour of my day to do something that helps myself. My work manager shared this to me and I have never been so thankful!! Niklas Göke wrote about it for medium.com here.

Similarly, if you “take excellent care of the front end of your day, the rest of your day will take care of itself.” That’s Robin Sharma’s thesis in The 5 AM Club, a book he wrote to share his morning routine of 20 years.

The idea is that if you invest the first hour of the day in yourself, that hour will pay returns for the remaining 23. “Own your morning, elevate your life,” Sharma says.       

...

The 20/20/20 rule divides your first hour of the day into three equal blocks of exercise, reflection, and learning. 

20 minutes of exercising means a lot for me since it personally feels good to know you're doing something for your physical body so hello chloe ting and lilly sabri this 2023!! 20 minutes to reflect aids my previous bucketlist item. It just helps to start the day with gratitude and help (poetic but it's the truth!). I feel bad having to cap it at 20 mins but knowing my speed of how I do things, it's better to have it time-bounded so it's more sustainable (?) that way. And lastly, 20 minutes to learn. It might not be that much but 20 minutes a day is better than 0. I plan on learning guitar and keyboard this 2023!!! So help me God!!! 

 

☐ Write and post AUs and lyric translations.

I think the last time I touched my lyric translation was 2 years ago. I translate foreign songs to English (I don't NOT like the songs with native language and I don't mean to disrespect but it just have a slightly more impact when you can understand what you sing and it helps when you translate the song. Even when you're listening to the original songs, you have kind of like a guide as to what the song says with the translated versions. That's what they serve for me and I hope to help do the same for others). Also, with AUs, all my nights were at ease because of reading AUs. My mind is so delusional, coming up fake scenarios most of the time, so I plan to make better use of them by fueling my expressing-through-writing dreams. I don't plan to publish and market them publicly tho. It's more of an anon thing hehehehehe. Can't have my delusional-self be known to all hhdssdhf.

And that's it!! 7 bucketlist items for an amazing 2023. Tbh I want to put more but I don't want to create too much pressure for myself, recognizing that I don't have everything under my control so I only chose 7 which I think are smart goals hahaha. I'm just gonna Proverbs 16:3 my way through all of these and all my other unspoken ones. Happy New Year!!!!

Now, now...

I said there's no looking back but I'm just gonna hack into that term and call this... "looking back happily".

I can't ignore the fact that 2022 had been an awesome year, the first time in a while. I'm sorry Twitter folks but I am gonna flex I met the happiest version of me this year. I don't think it's because I just had one heck of a December but really, there's just so many things that went my way this year and that fact scares me (but Bro said I shouldn't bc God gives blessings wholeheartedly, with no bad omen intact, just pure love and grace, and she's right). I started the year opening my last semester for college, going through the gruesome review season when I was convinced that I will take the CPALE only for me to realize halfway that this BS is not really cut out for me (hahaha thanks daddy for your support!), getting tickets for keshi's concert here in Manila and finding out I will graduate with honors the very same day, getting my first job with one of my dream roles as a social media assistant, having been assigned to the task of filling up our company's 2023 Q1 content calendar, having been assigned to a U.S. company as a social media designer (another dream role) tasked to design 2023 Q1 pubmats, working/meeting the best people at work, pushing my boundaries with regards to language barriers, time constraints, and managing anxiety, getting tickets for svt with my sis, getting other tickets with my sis (hello the 1975, bryan adams, and theaters huhu thank You Lord!), being blessed to have the privilege to try out things with my family (thank You so much, Lord! all You!), and hearing keshi and sebongies' voices live as I share the same space with them. 2022 had been a very rewarding year for me and my family that I always pray that it's not just a phase that we have as a family, but rather a stable, recurring thing for us because we have been through a lot. The Lord had been so merciful to us and the acad side of things is enough to measure how my faith was tested this year but all in all, it just reveals that God's favor for our family was just overflowing. Thank You, Lord.

Now, 2023 is here, and I don't doubt that God has a lot more of good and perfect things stored for us. If there's one lesson I learned from 2022, that is: God always provides and rewards those who are faithful to Him. That being said, I am placing my year to His hands in full confidence. I may not know the future. I may not know how 2023 ends. But I know who my God is. 

:DD

Happy New Year, friends!! May we have a year as awesome as Kim Mingyu on that ETC 24h performance!!!